My name is Boat and yes, I used to have a boat. It was a 23-foot Chaparral with a Volvo Penta V-8 motor. It was the love of my life. I am also a mother, daughter, single woman, friend, advocate, struggling writer, new podcast creator, dog mom, cancer survivor, former alcoholic, former drug addict and former cigarette smoker. I am not a judgy or hypocritical person. I have been through the ringer, made plenty of bad decisions and turned around and made them all over again. I’m 49 and I feel like I’m finally learning.
I created Societal Deconstruction Podcast or SDP to help people that want to live life on their own terms and not be caught up in society’s constraints. You should for the most part be able to do what you want, when you want and how you want to do it. You don’t have to go to college, get married, buy a house and have babies then probably get divorced and do it all over again. Some people do it multiple times. Can these people possibly be happy? Get out and experience the world before you go that route. Make sure that’s what you want. SDP is here to discuss topics with you that may be difficult to talk about like mental illness, trauma, abuse, psychosis, race, suicide, and more.
May is Mental Health Awareness Month and we touched on a significant amount of mental illness on the podcast and in our friends and family's lives. I wish I had a more positive update on G from Episode 7, but I haven’t heard from him recently. G is addicted to Crack and is mired in Crack/Cocaine psychosis. The last time I spoke with him, the psychosis was really bad. We never had the chance to do Episode 7 Part 2 but that is probably for the best at this point. I really hope he gets the help he needs. I would talk more about it but I feel like it’s his story to tell. G, we wish you the absolute best from Boat & all your friends at SDP, Snap and Reddit and know that we are always here for you.
My good friend J was going through an acrimonious divorce and was really struggling. I sent him the poem Suicidal Musings that I had written over Easter Weekend. I’ve had 5 suicides in my family, and I was having a hard time. Easter weekend was the anniversary of my cousin E’s suicide. It had been 12 years since he had sat on the train tracks and let a train hit him. God Almighty. My stepfather K committed suicide on Mother’s Day 3 years ago by shooting himself in the head. Jeez. I have OCD and I was obsessing about these 2 deaths in particular over Easter weekend. In retrospect, I called it Suicide Weekend. It was heavy, but writing the poem helped somewhat. My friend J really liked it and said that I should send it to the Suicide Hotline office because when he was suicidal a few months ago that it would’ve made him think twice. A caveat: This is only the second poem I’ve written so go easy on me lol.
SUICIDAL MUSINGS
This poem is dedicated to;
the late TC, KC, EB, JW & TB
Why do they keep committing suicide?
They didn’t want to be here anymore?
Sometimes life can be a rough ride
Their suicides have shaken me to the core
What goes through their mind?
The pain is a giant black wall
Sanity was too far to find
I wish one of them would’ve made the call
Did they think about their family?
Was there time for regret?
Multiple suicides are uncanny
Death leaves the living in emotional debt
Suicide is the theme of the day
Jump off a bridge or blow off your head
I’m going to pray it doesn’t go that way
Chances are someone is going to be dead
My best friend and I made a suicide pact
She’s five years older than me
Time is ticking, that’s a fact
Maybe we’ll just go on a killing spree
I’m sure that death will continue
Death is life, life is death
Suicide pacts may hold up too
I want to be happy until my last breath
By: Koop23
Please don’t take the killing spree comment seriously, it was just a joke between my best friend and I regarding a movie we liked.
This happened this year 2023. I wrote this poem Easter weekend which was April 12th I believe. My cousin TB committed suicide on May 4th by hanging herself. I knew she was struggling but I had no idea that she was at that point. I feel extra horrible because my other cousin, her sister, asked me to go with her to Utah where TB lived to try to help her back in February and I told her I couldn’t do it because of my own mental illnesses. I barely leave my house these days. I have Anxiety, Bipolar 2, OCD and ADHD. I feel horrible about not going even though I don’t know if we could’ve helped her at that point but you never know. This will haunt me forever. I keep picturing TB doing this terrible thing and everything that goes along with that.
I wrote this poem a couple days after she died:
ICE IN HER GLASS
DEDICATED TO MY DEAR COUSIN TB
I knew someone was going to die
She was found hanging in the barn
It was late morning, there was still ice in her glass
All she could think about was self harm
The morning looked gloomy
She poured herself a drink
Thinking about life made her moody
She was going to drink until she couldn’t think
She went to the barn with no hope
Looked up at the rafter
She couldn’t find a way to cope
It didn’t matter what happened after
She made the decision to end it all
The anxiety too much to bear
She grabbed the rope and took the fall
She didn’t shed a single tear
Her decision had such an impact on the living
We hope she found the peace she craved
She was such a sweet person and had been so giving
Because of her gentle spirit, I know her soul was saved
By: koop23
Well. I don’t know what else to say. I cannot imagine how her sister feels, she lost both of her siblings to suicide. Her mother and father are both gone too. I will be there for her as much as possible.
I apologize for rambling about this subject, but I think I need to get all this out. I don’t believe that I grieved for my stepdad at all. I was hooked on opiates at the time of his death, and he had been living in North Carolina, so it was somewhat easy to pretend it never happened and that’s what I did. He took his life on Mother’s Day, it was a significant day for him. I understand, to a certain extent, why he wished to kill himself.
I’ll try to keep this short and sweet. My stepdad was living with his mother and there was a home invasion. Two guys came in and tied my stepdad up and proceeded to pistol whip his mother in front of him who was in her nineties. The men were eventually caught, they had ripped through several counties on a crime spree. I imagine my stepdad had to go back to work after this. My grandmother ended up in a nursing home and ultimately died from her injuries several months later.
There were eventually trials for the 2 criminals and my stepdad had to testify. I’m sure he had PTSD at the very least. One of the criminals received life in prison and the other received many, many years. If I had to guess, the home invasion happened in 2017 or 18 and he killed himself in 2020. Maybe I’m surprised that he hung in there that long. When I was a kid, he was such a happy go lucky guy, always laughing, always joking. He was with my mom from the time I was 9 or 10 until I was in my early thirties. He was definitely like a father to me.
My main memory of him was the classic cars and laughing. He literally had crinkles in the corners of his eyes. When I was a kid, he restored a 1963 Impala, a Nova, a Chevelle (I think) and various old trucks, everything was always Chevy, no Ford products ever. He had a garage separate from the house that was his happy place. He was always out there tinkering with something. When I was a kid my stepdad would take me to car shows, I got to know all the makes and models. I always wanted a 63 Corvette with a split back window. I wish I would’ve bought one back in the day because I think they go for close to 100K now. Crazy!
TC was my great grandfather and he hung himself 6 months after my great grandmother passed away. I was a teenager and this one made sense but was certainly sad as hell.
JW was my uncle. My aunt and uncle lived in North Carolina. JW was dealing with mental illness like a lot of us do. He shot himself inside the house. My poor aunt had to see her husband and her brother like that. I’m sure those visions never go away.
Suicide weekend definitely morphed into suicide month and a half. What I think I will do now is wrap all that up in a box and put it in its proper location in my mind. It is probably not the healthiest option but that’s the way it’s going to be. I’m feeling better already.
There is more suicide discussion on SDP Episode 9. Streaming now, tune in to SDP Episode 9 with Boat and Shaggy breaking down the stigma of suicide and mental illness. We all have mental illnesses in our family, friends or ourselves.
If you or someone you know is struggling with mental health or addiction:
Suicide Prevention Line - 888-628-9454
National Suicide & Crisis Lifeline - 988
SAMHSA’S National Helpline -1-800-662-HELP Open 24/7
Veterans Crisis Line - 1-800-273-8255
National Domestic Violence Hotline - 1-800-799-7233
Substance Abuse & Mental Health Services Administration National Helpline - 800-662-4357
